Fireman and Ian (23rd and 25th February)

(contains sexual content)

23rd February

Since the morning I was planning to meet up with the fireman. Usually cannot resist meeting up with him. The sexual chemistry between us is amazing. Apparently I have the strongest muscles down there compared to anyone else he has met. We had great time… starting with wine and pizza, and watching Sin City. Considering I was still suffering from hypomania, I made him laugh by making silly sound effects to Sin City. 😉 I am special.  Ended up getting lots of sex in evening and morning.

The fireman usually ends up juggling around girls… one of them called Amy, she was very pretty. He couldn’t really click with her as she seemed to be lying about stuff all the time, for example saying her mum died 1 half years , or another time saying 3 years ago, or something. He basically said it didn’t fit right. Also, said pretty girls are usually moody and whiney anyway. He can’t get on with really attractive girls. I am glad I am not one of them.

Other than the sex and gossiping, I managed to survive the train journey to and from Brighton, without having a panic attack. Yay!

25th February

Ian and I, the one I met from a bdsm site.. had plans to meet this night. I was very nervous about meeting. I sat in his car when he picked me up, and I sat there thinking, “Shit what am I thinking?”. Ended up getting to the flat, and was soon enough naked on the bed. I can’t really remember how the events unfolded, but I think I ended up sucking his cock, then he ended up tying me to the bed. He ended up doing anal play and fucking me as well. We wound down, then went to Nando’s 😉 Gotta love chicken.. especially the spicey rice! I was then getting tipsy as, too much wine for someone on too much medication for Bipolar. Fuck you bipolar. At least I am cheap when I go out, but the night would end too shortly I think.

We got back to the flat, and we watched The Knowing. I didn’t really see anything of it, as I was pretty much sleeping on Ian’s shoulder from the alcohol increasing the medication effects. We ended up having sex again after watching the film, don’t really know how he managed to fuck me if I was half asleep it happens. Ended up falling asleep straight after. I woke up to him saying I was a heavy breathing during my sleep.. !

Phil and Snoop (22nd February)

I went to see Phil and Snoop the dog. I managed to survive the national railway. I think I am getting used to the overground trains now. I am still scared of the underground, as I first had a panic attack whilst in the underground. I was hyperventilating and all that shit.

We walked around Greenwich park, and Blackheath. When we got to Blackheath, Snoop was let off his lead, and started running around like crazy! He’s very well trained though, as there were roads… and he never went into the roads, like most dogs do! He was running around in oval shapes. He looked rather happy running around! Snoop showed a few tricks, rolling over and giving a kiss. He can also jump through a hula hoop too ;). Snoop my hero! Most dogs usually hate being on leads, when snoop is finished running around or called back, he just sits there waiting for the lead. He is one awesome dog.

Anyway later that afternoon/evening, Snoop went to Phil’s friends. Phil and I went to the coolest restaurant bar ever, called Zero Degrees had an amazing starter platter. We also ordered a few cocktails oh yes 😉 cannot resist a cocktail. We both had pizza, then we headed to the station, and he put me on the train home. It was a great evening. I managed to survive the trains without having panic attacks. There will always be the fear of having a panic attack I think.

General Ramblings (Tuesday 19th February)

After happenings of previous night, had to wake up at ridiculous time due to Fireman going on to his day shift. He dropped me off at the station. I was really worried that I was going to have a panic attack on the train, but thankfully I was too tired to have one.

I was going to go shopping as soon as I arrived near where I lived, but it was 7.30am, bit early eh. I went home and had my breakfast, then dragged my ass out oft the house to the shopping center. I get a bit nervous shopping because it seems most of the time the shop assistants always come up to me and ask if I need any help. It really does not help with my social anxiety. Could deal with the ground swallowing me up. I also tend not to try on shoes in shops, because I feel people are watching me, and think i look like a twat. Mostly buy shoes online, on the fair occasion when I am hypomanic I can just about try on shoes in the shop. I hate social anxiety, and anxiety in general. Should generally

Moving on, after christmas I bought a dress from Republic, but the idiot left the security tag on, so it took me about 2 months to brave myself up to go to a Republic store to get it off. Thankfully i kept the receipt. Also, managed to survive the torture of asking the shop assistant to take it off. Go me.

I eventually went home after exhausting evening and morning to catch up on my regular TV shows. In the evening I went to martial arts, I was dreading it becuase I was the second highest belt rank, and the next highest belt rank is a complete arrogant ass at times. First time I did defence drills with him was just diabolical, because the defence drill , the one defending it’s their drill so he was going at ridiculous speed,so I couldn’t block hardly anything. Also he was nearly hitting me. I was bit anxious to be partnering him if I had to , which I didn’t have to so woopee. Didn’t really like the class that night as it was a bit tedious, less vibrance. 😦

Visiting Sam (16th February)

In the morning before visiting Sam.. I was rushing around putting films and TV series she may like on a USB key for her to watch. I was fast at putting make-up on before heading on my journey to see Sam. I don’t usually put make-up on, only when I am hypomanic. You got to love Bipolar at times.

I don’t know how I dealt with the journey as I was anxious and exhausted from doing so much whilst being hypomanic. I managed to keep myself occupied by writing in notebook and reading on the train to Victoria. I don’t usually do those things due to Social Anxiety. I have no idea how that works, but yes! When getting to Victoria, managed to buy myself some Wasabi sushi set, before getting on the coach to see Sam.

I was a bit scared of getting on the coach, as I haven’t been on that route for a while. I was worried about having to ask for ticket, the long journey and when to get off the coach. I still managed to do it, probably because of the hypomania. I was still worried about having panic attacks. I can still picture my panic attack on the underground a while back.

I got her a special Valentine’s card. I thought it was appropriate with a badge saying “The most gorgeous person ever.” I hope she liked it. She also loved receiving a few presents. Whilst I was there, she spoke of a police man working as a staff nurse there now. Sam being inquisitive about police and their job, asked way too many questions of what she has experienced etc. I am sure it passed time anyway!

On the way home I managed to get the coach after waiting forever for it, was awkward being crowded though. Next time I will make sure I leave at 3.30 or something. I didn’t get home until around 9pm I think. It was a good day seeing Sam. 🙂