Hypomania at it’s best (26th February)

I was up early for once, must be the hypomania. I started the day off by catching up with The Following and Nikita TV shows, although I was easily distracted. I kept stopping and starting when I felt the need to do something else.

I saw my care co ordinator , and he said I was hypomanic, and was bollocked for not taking my clonazepam properly. Also, told me to do things that would destimulate my mind and body. I was like seriously, I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE! I was always joyfully laughing during my appointment! Apparently there is a difference between my nervous laughter and my hypomanic laughter. When I was waiting for my prescription in consultant’s room, I pretty much walked out of room fast and nearly walked into door when getting out of the waiting room, as you have to press a lovely green button. 

When I am “normal” and suffer from anxiety my mind usually goes blank, so now I am hypomanic my mind won’t stop thinking. How annoying. 

I remember a while ago, last year, the weeks when i was hypomanic, my diary was fully packed, literally. It is quite interesting what hypomania does to you…

So I went off to collect prescription, got that… and ended up randomly buy things randomly when hypomanic – went into Tescos and bought more food, even though I have already got lots of food at home.

Fireman and Ian (23rd and 25th February)

(contains sexual content)

23rd February

Since the morning I was planning to meet up with the fireman. Usually cannot resist meeting up with him. The sexual chemistry between us is amazing. Apparently I have the strongest muscles down there compared to anyone else he has met. We had great time… starting with wine and pizza, and watching Sin City. Considering I was still suffering from hypomania, I made him laugh by making silly sound effects to Sin City. 😉 I am special.  Ended up getting lots of sex in evening and morning.

The fireman usually ends up juggling around girls… one of them called Amy, she was very pretty. He couldn’t really click with her as she seemed to be lying about stuff all the time, for example saying her mum died 1 half years , or another time saying 3 years ago, or something. He basically said it didn’t fit right. Also, said pretty girls are usually moody and whiney anyway. He can’t get on with really attractive girls. I am glad I am not one of them.

Other than the sex and gossiping, I managed to survive the train journey to and from Brighton, without having a panic attack. Yay!

25th February

Ian and I, the one I met from a bdsm site.. had plans to meet this night. I was very nervous about meeting. I sat in his car when he picked me up, and I sat there thinking, “Shit what am I thinking?”. Ended up getting to the flat, and was soon enough naked on the bed. I can’t really remember how the events unfolded, but I think I ended up sucking his cock, then he ended up tying me to the bed. He ended up doing anal play and fucking me as well. We wound down, then went to Nando’s 😉 Gotta love chicken.. especially the spicey rice! I was then getting tipsy as, too much wine for someone on too much medication for Bipolar. Fuck you bipolar. At least I am cheap when I go out, but the night would end too shortly I think.

We got back to the flat, and we watched The Knowing. I didn’t really see anything of it, as I was pretty much sleeping on Ian’s shoulder from the alcohol increasing the medication effects. We ended up having sex again after watching the film, don’t really know how he managed to fuck me if I was half asleep it happens. Ended up falling asleep straight after. I woke up to him saying I was a heavy breathing during my sleep.. !

The Emotional Side (20th Febraury)

I kept forgetting to take Clonazepam to calm me down, or subside my hypomania. Probably not a good thing! I kept getting easily distracted by everything, as soon as something new popped into my head.. I was on to it. This week I did so much it was unreal , think the body couldn’t handle the amount of productivity I did. I usually hardly do anything.

I was a bit scared of going into depression, so I was trying to keep myself moving, and keeping myself “up”. Also, by doing things everyday that kept me distracted from the emotional side of things. Sometimes when I fear depression, I tend to cry a lot, especially when mood is a bit erratic.

Monday Evening with the Fireman (18th February)

I have known this Fireman for nearly 5 years, which is pretty amazing. He’s a casual encounter so end up having lots of sex. He drove after his shift to pick me up and started to drive to his flat in Brighton. Whilst on the way to his, he said I was more confident and talkative. (well obviously as I am hypo-manic). I am guessing he has seen me in different moods since over the years.

It was quite funny he has a string of girls he has met recently, whilst trying to look for a girlfriend, but doesn’t think the two he has met recently are “girlfriend material”. Although he can never resist me, we have great physical compatibility apparently.

When we got back to his flat, he went out to get his wine, whilst I dressed up a little to turn him on. When he walked through the door his eyes went into heaven when he saw me. We started drinking wine, and forgetting again that I was on medication, I was half tipsy after a glass of wine. 

We started talking about how long we’ve known each other, and apparently we used to fuck nearly every week, or every 2-3 weeks. I can’t really remember that to be honest. When he had a girlfriend, we used to get a hotel, or if he had night shifts, we would fuck in Richmond Park during the day, or in his car. I was slightly more adventurous in those days.

I had a great night, lots of sex and all that. Definitely enjoyed it. He ended up making me curry after we had sex, which was really nice. Went to sleep soon after. 🙂

Appointment Day (18th February)

Sorry for not keeping up to date. I have been far too busy suffering from hypomania, mind you still am!

It was ‘appointment day’ on the 18th of February. I had to see my consultant psychiatrist and my care coordinator in the morning,  I was a bit nervous seeing them as previous Thursday I ended up crying down the phone to my care coordinator, saying I couldn’t cope with my hypomania. Feeling guilty about spending money, and just generally being so productive that my body was so exhausted by everything. I seemed to have been coming down according to the psychiatrist… so they didn’t change my medication, and left it as it is.

I saw care coordinator just after, pretty much talked about meeting strangers and how to keep myself safe in case something happens. I told him I didn’t really care if anything happened to me. I guess this is what you call a “risky behaviour” when under hypomania. You feel like you are invincible or unstoppable. He told me to keep myself busy  to get rid of excess energy.. not really sure how that works, as being more productive is a sign of hypomania… wouldn’t that just fuel my hypomania?

Anyway, I got my prescription and went to Boots to collect the medication. I managed to go on a spending spree, did feel guilty afterwards. Whilst I was in Miss Selfridge, they asked if I wanted a loyalty card, didn’t realise it would ask for a credit check. I was practically shitting myself, as I just lied to most of it. I did get declined thankfully, but about 10 minutes later I got accepted.. as they left a voicemail on my phone. Now I have miss selfridge loyalty card…..hmmm not really sure what to do with that. I haven’t really told care co ordinator either.

In the afternoon I had to go see Nurse as I needed more contraception pills. The surgery had moved so I was shitting it again, as I didn’t want to look like a total loser not knowing what to do. I managed to cope though, probably because of my hypomania. I thought the nurse was a prescribing nurse, which she wasn’t , so had to wait around like a looney waiting for the doctor to sign it.

Pretty boring day really!

Meeting an Older Man (13th February)

For starters, I tend to meet older men, or younger men (same age as me)  on a regular basis from dating sites mostly when I am suffering from hypomania. I try and get to know them first and usually chat for a few weeks before meeting them in person. Mind you, one day I could end up meeting a rapist, or murderer, but I like the thought of that risk.

So, I was chatting to an older man, called Ian. We met on a BDSM dating site, messaged back and forth for a while. He is pretty lucky as I am a bit of a hit or a miss when people try and contact me, sometimes I am all for the chat. Sometimes I am not. It also depends on my mood e.g. hypomania.

We eventually decided to to put a date in our diaries to meet each other. He was going to take me to an Italian restaurant. I love Italian. You can never go wrong with pasta, risotto or pizza.

I was a bit nervous in meeting him and what to expect from him as those who have been involved in BDSM sometimes tend to ask a lot on the first meeting. Well I find it in some cases anyway.  He picked me up, greeted me and gave me a hug. I do love hugs by the way! He was very nice and gentleman like. Honestly, I thought he was going to be an ugly fuck (sorry!)  but he was very charming for an older guy.

We made our way to the restaurant. We both ordered pasta dishes, and some wine. I felt a bit awkward though as I am not a good conversationilist. He did most of the talking, but I didn’t think I was too bad to be honest. I have had worst days. Forgetting that I am on medication and I was drinking wine, I forgot how much of an impact it had on me, after one glass of wine I was a bit tipsy, quite funny really. At least I am cheap person to take out, lol!  We ended up having great puddings after too. My favourite chocolate bread and butter pudding!

It seems he is still interested in me, and I am still interested in him. Wonder what he has in store for me in the near future….

Effects of Clonazepam.

I was given Clonazepam the other day, due to me displaying hypomania symptoms whilst in a session with my care co-ordinator. I am supposed to take it in the mid morning, and mid afternoon. He said I would feel sedated and drowsy.

I was thinking okay I am expecting it to hit me and make me feel sleepy.. so I took the first dose that afternoon. I was waiting and waiting for something different to happen, I mean I did feel a little floaty, but I was still buzzing. so I was a bit disappointed to still feel the same.

I even looked on the interwebs to see how different people reacted to clonazepam, most were all sleepy and drowsy and couldn’t do anything!  I think I may be invincible ;).

I told care co ordinator that I didn’t feel much of the effects from clonazepam, he didn’t say much, just told me to phone him if anything changed / got worse.

 

Hypomanic

Have managed to hide most of my hypomanic-ness for a few weeks. Just saw my care co ordinator, and I just couldn’t stop laughing at everything! Finally told him that I have been spending money ridiculously, and having racing thoughts, and having to do so many things at once. I mentioned myself pacing, it was sort of an auto-pilot thing, and I couldn’t stop so..

I’m quite a hard person to read as I don’t open up so much especially about my mental health, but he knowing me so long. He can differientate between my anxiety laughs and my hypomanic joyful laughs. Probably doesn’t help that I was distracted by things around in the room, bearing in mind that I was in the “duty worker room” as he was covering for someone. I just found it hilarious just sitting in there.

I then had to wait for care co ordinator to see my consultant psychiatrist to discuss my problems, and now I am also on Clonazepam in morning and afternoon. Already taken one earlier, it’s quite a nice feeling… currently feeling nice and floaty.

Anyway have lots of things planned this week, so will keep you all up to date, on how things are.