Update

The short of my life recently:

  • Volunteering at Cattery and Wildlife Rescue Centre – I love them both, considering doing another day at the Wildlife.
  • Started Pregabalin for anxiety – I hope it works!
  • Still doing Martial Arts – managed to get to the semi-finals at the competition. I am going for my black belt in March.
  • My friend, known him for 7 years,  is in Prison ! Planning to visit him soon, we exchange letters back and forth.
  • Irritability getting in the way of friendships. Afraid I am going hypomanic.
  • I’m sex hungry at the moment. 😉

Prescription, Overdosing, Self-harm, Withdrawn

Recently my prescription has changed to two weekly prescription instead of one, thank fuck for that. It means I don’t have to see their ugly faces every week either. It’s fucking torture every session.

It probably doesn’t help that I already feel like overdosing. I will go back to square one, of weekly prescriptions. I told her I self-harmed in the past week. Tonight I have been looking at self-harm pictures, and it’s triggering me like shit. It’s making me want to go back to wanting stitches. I need someone to put me in line, haha.

I haven’t been interested in going to my martial arts and my wildlife rescue centre volunteering. It’s not helping my mood, and anxiety levels. I need to somehow push myself to go.

And I quote my psychiatrist’s letter that I suffer from “Bipolar 2, Severe social anxiety disorder (plus degree of generalised anxiety, panic disorder, with mild agoraphobia)” Basically mood and anxiety freak. I can’t cope with my anxiety as of late.

11th June 2013

A lot has happened since I last posted (once again!).  I have managed to start to volunteer at a cattery and a wildlife rescue centre. I love both of them but I know when I get to the state of depression  I would still feel obliged to keep going to them, and more likely to do something stupid. A guess it’s a bit of a submissive nature to be honest. I can’t say no to people, which is quite bad.

Anyway recently seen psychiatrist – he definitely doesn’t think I have a Borderline Personality Disorder especially from the past year  with working with my old care co ordinator. I am not sure how to take the new care co ordinator though – she seems a bit i don’t know something!  She seems to question all my feelings and always wants me to state why i feel like that, but i think sometimes there isn’t a reason. It’s pain in the arse, and  I randomly sit there feeling awkward.
Anyway  I lost track, psychiatrist says I have bipolar 2, severe social anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder  with features of agoraphobia and panic attacks. Something like that! Sucks to be me!

Apparently I am going to be referred to a psychologist because I am more stable now, and I might benefit from it more now. I don’t know. 

Update as of Monday 29th April

A lot of things have been happening since I last updated. My care co ordinator that I have had for year and half has left his current job – and I will miss his therapy work. I have worries about my new care co ordinator, especially considering it’s a female. I am not too sure if I get on with female care co ordinators. I am usually more open to males, for some weird reason. We shall see how it happens.

I have randomly managed to consume loads of pen pals. I am not entirely sure how I am going to keep up with them! But hey ho that’s life.

I have also managed to get a volunteer job at a cattery, yay for me! I have also been randomly applying for other volunteer jobs. I am not sure if I have put too much hard work in for myself when I am still coming down from hypomania. How long have been in this episode, bloody forever! I feel like it might crash down on me.

Also, I got a prescription today – and consultant wrote the prescription wrong. I only realised this when I got home. Not sure whether to go to CMHT or not tomorrow and moan. Mind you have a course on bipolar tomorrow. Yawn

Hypomania at it’s best (26th February)

I was up early for once, must be the hypomania. I started the day off by catching up with The Following and Nikita TV shows, although I was easily distracted. I kept stopping and starting when I felt the need to do something else.

I saw my care co ordinator , and he said I was hypomanic, and was bollocked for not taking my clonazepam properly. Also, told me to do things that would destimulate my mind and body. I was like seriously, I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE! I was always joyfully laughing during my appointment! Apparently there is a difference between my nervous laughter and my hypomanic laughter. When I was waiting for my prescription in consultant’s room, I pretty much walked out of room fast and nearly walked into door when getting out of the waiting room, as you have to press a lovely green button. 

When I am “normal” and suffer from anxiety my mind usually goes blank, so now I am hypomanic my mind won’t stop thinking. How annoying. 

I remember a while ago, last year, the weeks when i was hypomanic, my diary was fully packed, literally. It is quite interesting what hypomania does to you…

So I went off to collect prescription, got that… and ended up randomly buy things randomly when hypomanic – went into Tescos and bought more food, even though I have already got lots of food at home.

Fireman and Ian (23rd and 25th February)

(contains sexual content)

23rd February

Since the morning I was planning to meet up with the fireman. Usually cannot resist meeting up with him. The sexual chemistry between us is amazing. Apparently I have the strongest muscles down there compared to anyone else he has met. We had great time… starting with wine and pizza, and watching Sin City. Considering I was still suffering from hypomania, I made him laugh by making silly sound effects to Sin City. 😉 I am special.  Ended up getting lots of sex in evening and morning.

The fireman usually ends up juggling around girls… one of them called Amy, she was very pretty. He couldn’t really click with her as she seemed to be lying about stuff all the time, for example saying her mum died 1 half years , or another time saying 3 years ago, or something. He basically said it didn’t fit right. Also, said pretty girls are usually moody and whiney anyway. He can’t get on with really attractive girls. I am glad I am not one of them.

Other than the sex and gossiping, I managed to survive the train journey to and from Brighton, without having a panic attack. Yay!

25th February

Ian and I, the one I met from a bdsm site.. had plans to meet this night. I was very nervous about meeting. I sat in his car when he picked me up, and I sat there thinking, “Shit what am I thinking?”. Ended up getting to the flat, and was soon enough naked on the bed. I can’t really remember how the events unfolded, but I think I ended up sucking his cock, then he ended up tying me to the bed. He ended up doing anal play and fucking me as well. We wound down, then went to Nando’s 😉 Gotta love chicken.. especially the spicey rice! I was then getting tipsy as, too much wine for someone on too much medication for Bipolar. Fuck you bipolar. At least I am cheap when I go out, but the night would end too shortly I think.

We got back to the flat, and we watched The Knowing. I didn’t really see anything of it, as I was pretty much sleeping on Ian’s shoulder from the alcohol increasing the medication effects. We ended up having sex again after watching the film, don’t really know how he managed to fuck me if I was half asleep it happens. Ended up falling asleep straight after. I woke up to him saying I was a heavy breathing during my sleep.. !

Phil and Snoop (22nd February)

I went to see Phil and Snoop the dog. I managed to survive the national railway. I think I am getting used to the overground trains now. I am still scared of the underground, as I first had a panic attack whilst in the underground. I was hyperventilating and all that shit.

We walked around Greenwich park, and Blackheath. When we got to Blackheath, Snoop was let off his lead, and started running around like crazy! He’s very well trained though, as there were roads… and he never went into the roads, like most dogs do! He was running around in oval shapes. He looked rather happy running around! Snoop showed a few tricks, rolling over and giving a kiss. He can also jump through a hula hoop too ;). Snoop my hero! Most dogs usually hate being on leads, when snoop is finished running around or called back, he just sits there waiting for the lead. He is one awesome dog.

Anyway later that afternoon/evening, Snoop went to Phil’s friends. Phil and I went to the coolest restaurant bar ever, called Zero Degrees had an amazing starter platter. We also ordered a few cocktails oh yes 😉 cannot resist a cocktail. We both had pizza, then we headed to the station, and he put me on the train home. It was a great evening. I managed to survive the trains without having panic attacks. There will always be the fear of having a panic attack I think.

The Emotional Side (20th Febraury)

I kept forgetting to take Clonazepam to calm me down, or subside my hypomania. Probably not a good thing! I kept getting easily distracted by everything, as soon as something new popped into my head.. I was on to it. This week I did so much it was unreal , think the body couldn’t handle the amount of productivity I did. I usually hardly do anything.

I was a bit scared of going into depression, so I was trying to keep myself moving, and keeping myself “up”. Also, by doing things everyday that kept me distracted from the emotional side of things. Sometimes when I fear depression, I tend to cry a lot, especially when mood is a bit erratic.

An Adventure with Ian (20th February)

Ian kindly offered to give me a lift to see Sam in the Eating Disorder Unit. He drove me there and back. It was really nice of him.  It was a bit of an awkward journey, as I am not a very talkative person. I guess it was okay, he didn’t boot me out of his car because of boredom. lol. I think I was more talkative on the way back.

Anyway, it was good seeing Sam as usual, but before I even stepped into the unit the nurse was being a bitch, saying I was supposed to come during visiting hours. It didn’t stop me last time, especially as I am coming from London. Sam did tell the morning staff, but obviously it wasn’t clear to the afternoon staff.

Sam was okay on the front, but obviously annoyed at patients and staff being dicks. She was fuming about a reply letter she received from complaints department. She was pretty much destroyed by it, and didn’t want to live in the same place, which is understandable. It pretty much read that she was attention seeking and a liar, even though her Mum and Police did give complaints also,  but they seemed to have disappeared out of thin air. 

I gave her loads of presents as I was in hypomania mode, so bought her tons. I hope they have cheered her up. I usually don’t spend much money. I used to ask her what the fuck she spends it on, lol.

Sam is also pleased to be moving where her EDU is, and is pleased not to deal with her current team, as they have messed her about a lot! She has also has a place in supported housing.

Just before I went home, I needed the piss, but the staff locked the doors to the toilets as it was supper time .. so I was busting for the piss. Ended up having to wait until Ian and I got to motorway services.

When I got home sister ended up talking about holidays for 2 hours. We ended up booking a UK holiday to Center Parcs for a few days. Woop.

Nothing exciting as usual lol.