I have been suffering from mental health issues since I was 14 years old. It started off as self-harming, both by cutting and overdosing. I was referred to CAMHS, and they offered support whilst I was under 18 years old. After a serious overdose and how I presented to the mental health workers at hospital. They shared that I could be suffering from Asperger’s Syndrome. I was put through various tests and showed I do suffer some symptoms of the diagnosis, but not enough to fit the criteria of Asperger’s Syndrome. It also showed that I suffer from Social Anxiety.
Social anxiety has been a big part of my life and I have always worried what people think of me. I have always been the quiet one in the class, family and around strangers. I don’t talk much in real life – very scared to do so actually, in case I say something stupid, or say something that is embarrassing. I know I think things in my head but when I feel the need to speak I can’t and if I tried to speak for a long I would feel as though I would go into a crying mode or panic attack. It’s quite scary really, I usually end up with one word answers if I don’t know someone very well. Sometime I worry what could happen in the worst case scenario, and think about past experiences that have made me feel embarrassed. With the anxiety I tend to go blank as well, when under pressure.
As I suffer from anxiety it’s generally gotten worse over the years and have developed panic attacks and agoraphobia of the underground tube line. Sometimes panic attacks come out of no where and attack me. Other times it builds up e.g if I think about going on the underground as i’ve already experienced panic attacks on the underground. Not nice when you end up having one and everyone stares at you.
From 18 years old being at University for a couple of months, my mental health got worse. I was in and out of A&E due to self-harm. I had various admissions to psychiatric wards and general wards for operations on my arms due to cutting tendons, also overdoses needing treatments. I ended up with a very stigmatized diagnosis which is Borderline Personality Disorder, please read up on it if you don’t know about the diagnosis. It’s very hard to manage for those who suffer. Through those years I have been on various medications such as Fluoxetine, Citalopram and Mirtazapine. I didn’t last long at university, I ended up moving back home by the end of April I think.
Since I came back to my parents, I saw a psychologist for my social anxiety and my apparent Borderline Personality Disorder. I was switching and changing between CBT and DBT – none of it really helped. I was also on a beta blocker for my anxiety called Propranolol. The psychologist wanted to discharge me as I wasn’t moving forward, even though I was self-harming really badly.
Eventually after about 6 months of having no support and being in and out of A&E. I was referred back to my CMHT and had a meeting with a consultant, he’s been absolutely great and understanding. He even said I didn’t present as the usual “bordeline” person. I came across as a person suffering from depression and anxiety. I was put on Sertraline after about 2 weeks, I went into a hypomanic episode. I would do things I wouldn’t usually do. I was really productive. I spent loads of money. I was meeting with strangers online for casual sex etc. The Sertraline was stopped immediately and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. I was put on Quetiapine XL to stop me going even more high. I also told him I was on Lofepramine from a previous psychiatrist, and my experiences on that was hell. I couldn’t sleep, and irritable. I actually thought I was going to kill someone on it. He told me that category of medication is the worst to give to Bipolar patients.
I, also have a great Occupational Therapist and hope he doesn’t leave because I would go back to square one. It takes a lot of trust for me to engage with someone. He’s using exposure therapy with my anxiety, and keeps tabs on my mood. I have also put him through a lot as I have done two serious overdoses since being with him for year. Since being under his care, I have had bouts of depression and severe anxiety. I was put on Lamotrigine to lift my mood, and might be put on Pregabalin for my anxiety. For the last year and half, I have also not felt the need to cut my arms, I just end up thinking why the fuck do I do this, why did I do it in the first place. It doesn’t help in the long term.
Mind you I am probably very frustrating for my team as I have problems communicating, and probably doesn’t help that I suffer from bipolar, anxiety, agoraphobia and panic attacks. Quite hard to spot hypomania episodes as I don’t talk much.
At the end of the day I am hoping to be able to have a life without being surrounded by mental health. Anyway, thanks for reading..I hope I didn’t bore you!
Bipolar Wings 