Prescription, Overdosing, Self-harm, Withdrawn

Recently my prescription has changed to two weekly prescription instead of one, thank fuck for that. It means I don’t have to see their ugly faces every week either. It’s fucking torture every session.

It probably doesn’t help that I already feel like overdosing. I will go back to square one, of weekly prescriptions. I told her I self-harmed in the past week. Tonight I have been looking at self-harm pictures, and it’s triggering me like shit. It’s making me want to go back to wanting stitches. I need someone to put me in line, haha.

I haven’t been interested in going to my martial arts and my wildlife rescue centre volunteering. It’s not helping my mood, and anxiety levels. I need to somehow push myself to go.

And I quote my psychiatrist’s letter that I suffer from “Bipolar 2, Severe social anxiety disorder (plus degree of generalised anxiety, panic disorder, with mild agoraphobia)” Basically mood and anxiety freak. I can’t cope with my anxiety as of late.

Hypomania at it’s best (26th February)

I was up early for once, must be the hypomania. I started the day off by catching up with The Following and Nikita TV shows, although I was easily distracted. I kept stopping and starting when I felt the need to do something else.

I saw my care co ordinator , and he said I was hypomanic, and was bollocked for not taking my clonazepam properly. Also, told me to do things that would destimulate my mind and body. I was like seriously, I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE! I was always joyfully laughing during my appointment! Apparently there is a difference between my nervous laughter and my hypomanic laughter. When I was waiting for my prescription in consultant’s room, I pretty much walked out of room fast and nearly walked into door when getting out of the waiting room, as you have to press a lovely green button. 

When I am “normal” and suffer from anxiety my mind usually goes blank, so now I am hypomanic my mind won’t stop thinking. How annoying. 

I remember a while ago, last year, the weeks when i was hypomanic, my diary was fully packed, literally. It is quite interesting what hypomania does to you…

So I went off to collect prescription, got that… and ended up randomly buy things randomly when hypomanic – went into Tescos and bought more food, even though I have already got lots of food at home.

Phil and Snoop (22nd February)

I went to see Phil and Snoop the dog. I managed to survive the national railway. I think I am getting used to the overground trains now. I am still scared of the underground, as I first had a panic attack whilst in the underground. I was hyperventilating and all that shit.

We walked around Greenwich park, and Blackheath. When we got to Blackheath, Snoop was let off his lead, and started running around like crazy! He’s very well trained though, as there were roads… and he never went into the roads, like most dogs do! He was running around in oval shapes. He looked rather happy running around! Snoop showed a few tricks, rolling over and giving a kiss. He can also jump through a hula hoop too ;). Snoop my hero! Most dogs usually hate being on leads, when snoop is finished running around or called back, he just sits there waiting for the lead. He is one awesome dog.

Anyway later that afternoon/evening, Snoop went to Phil’s friends. Phil and I went to the coolest restaurant bar ever, called Zero Degrees had an amazing starter platter. We also ordered a few cocktails oh yes 😉 cannot resist a cocktail. We both had pizza, then we headed to the station, and he put me on the train home. It was a great evening. I managed to survive the trains without having panic attacks. There will always be the fear of having a panic attack I think.

General Ramblings (Tuesday 19th February)

After happenings of previous night, had to wake up at ridiculous time due to Fireman going on to his day shift. He dropped me off at the station. I was really worried that I was going to have a panic attack on the train, but thankfully I was too tired to have one.

I was going to go shopping as soon as I arrived near where I lived, but it was 7.30am, bit early eh. I went home and had my breakfast, then dragged my ass out oft the house to the shopping center. I get a bit nervous shopping because it seems most of the time the shop assistants always come up to me and ask if I need any help. It really does not help with my social anxiety. Could deal with the ground swallowing me up. I also tend not to try on shoes in shops, because I feel people are watching me, and think i look like a twat. Mostly buy shoes online, on the fair occasion when I am hypomanic I can just about try on shoes in the shop. I hate social anxiety, and anxiety in general. Should generally

Moving on, after christmas I bought a dress from Republic, but the idiot left the security tag on, so it took me about 2 months to brave myself up to go to a Republic store to get it off. Thankfully i kept the receipt. Also, managed to survive the torture of asking the shop assistant to take it off. Go me.

I eventually went home after exhausting evening and morning to catch up on my regular TV shows. In the evening I went to martial arts, I was dreading it becuase I was the second highest belt rank, and the next highest belt rank is a complete arrogant ass at times. First time I did defence drills with him was just diabolical, because the defence drill , the one defending it’s their drill so he was going at ridiculous speed,so I couldn’t block hardly anything. Also he was nearly hitting me. I was bit anxious to be partnering him if I had to , which I didn’t have to so woopee. Didn’t really like the class that night as it was a bit tedious, less vibrance. 😦

Appointment Day (18th February)

Sorry for not keeping up to date. I have been far too busy suffering from hypomania, mind you still am!

It was ‘appointment day’ on the 18th of February. I had to see my consultant psychiatrist and my care coordinator in the morning,  I was a bit nervous seeing them as previous Thursday I ended up crying down the phone to my care coordinator, saying I couldn’t cope with my hypomania. Feeling guilty about spending money, and just generally being so productive that my body was so exhausted by everything. I seemed to have been coming down according to the psychiatrist… so they didn’t change my medication, and left it as it is.

I saw care coordinator just after, pretty much talked about meeting strangers and how to keep myself safe in case something happens. I told him I didn’t really care if anything happened to me. I guess this is what you call a “risky behaviour” when under hypomania. You feel like you are invincible or unstoppable. He told me to keep myself busy  to get rid of excess energy.. not really sure how that works, as being more productive is a sign of hypomania… wouldn’t that just fuel my hypomania?

Anyway, I got my prescription and went to Boots to collect the medication. I managed to go on a spending spree, did feel guilty afterwards. Whilst I was in Miss Selfridge, they asked if I wanted a loyalty card, didn’t realise it would ask for a credit check. I was practically shitting myself, as I just lied to most of it. I did get declined thankfully, but about 10 minutes later I got accepted.. as they left a voicemail on my phone. Now I have miss selfridge loyalty card…..hmmm not really sure what to do with that. I haven’t really told care co ordinator either.

In the afternoon I had to go see Nurse as I needed more contraception pills. The surgery had moved so I was shitting it again, as I didn’t want to look like a total loser not knowing what to do. I managed to cope though, probably because of my hypomania. I thought the nurse was a prescribing nurse, which she wasn’t , so had to wait around like a looney waiting for the doctor to sign it.

Pretty boring day really!

Visiting Sam (16th February)

In the morning before visiting Sam.. I was rushing around putting films and TV series she may like on a USB key for her to watch. I was fast at putting make-up on before heading on my journey to see Sam. I don’t usually put make-up on, only when I am hypomanic. You got to love Bipolar at times.

I don’t know how I dealt with the journey as I was anxious and exhausted from doing so much whilst being hypomanic. I managed to keep myself occupied by writing in notebook and reading on the train to Victoria. I don’t usually do those things due to Social Anxiety. I have no idea how that works, but yes! When getting to Victoria, managed to buy myself some Wasabi sushi set, before getting on the coach to see Sam.

I was a bit scared of getting on the coach, as I haven’t been on that route for a while. I was worried about having to ask for ticket, the long journey and when to get off the coach. I still managed to do it, probably because of the hypomania. I was still worried about having panic attacks. I can still picture my panic attack on the underground a while back.

I got her a special Valentine’s card. I thought it was appropriate with a badge saying “The most gorgeous person ever.” I hope she liked it. She also loved receiving a few presents. Whilst I was there, she spoke of a police man working as a staff nurse there now. Sam being inquisitive about police and their job, asked way too many questions of what she has experienced etc. I am sure it passed time anyway!

On the way home I managed to get the coach after waiting forever for it, was awkward being crowded though. Next time I will make sure I leave at 3.30 or something. I didn’t get home until around 9pm I think. It was a good day seeing Sam. 🙂

Attention on Me

I don’t really like being the center of attention, never have and never will. This is where the social anxiety comes in.. I don’t like being judged or made to feel like a prat. I remember when I was in at school, even at GCSE level.. I would avoid doing the “public speaking” for any class. Avoiding meant I would skip the day so I didn’t have to do it. Would make an excuse to get out of class, anything just so I didn’t have to do it. I, also, did it when I was at University for a short time – I saw the professor and said I couldn’t do it – he just said I was a bit more nervous than most. I was thinking “Well I would rather kill myself than speak in front of people.” My thinking is extremely fucked.

So recent happenings of avoidance and attention on me.. my Care Co-ordinator phoned up quite late last night about 8pm, don’t really know how he manages to work so late. He wanted my support worker to make the appointment and she was only available in the afternoon. He said If i couldn’t make it I could come in, in the morning. SO you know what I am going for – yup the morning, so I don’t have two prying eyes watching me. =)